It’s a constant battle. What do you think the most difficult conversation we have is with aging parents? About the Will? Power of Attorney? Moving in with us? Nope. Perhaps the single most contentious subject is when we have to take Mom or Dad’s keys away from them.
And you may want to have that conversation. But understand that driving – or loss of driving privileges – is a brutal blow to someone’s independence. No longer free to come and go as we please, can’t just run out and get groceries, a gallon of milk, stop in to get a trim or pick up a book of stamps; no quick trip to the bank, stop over to play cards or have lunch with the girls; go to choir practice or Sunday school without major planning just to accommodate transportation. No, now we must ask someone to help us do every little thing. It is a major, very unsettling change and it serves to make one as dependent on others as a small child. Very upsetting.
Well, I have good news for your parents and bad news for you. You don’t really have the right to take someone’s driving privilege. Not EVER.
The only folks who can take Mom or Dad’s driving privileges away from them are the same people that gave them to them in the first place: the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV).
That’s right. No matter how bad their driving, their eyesight, their reaction time, their general health or mobility – you cannot take Mom & Dad’s keys away.
One strategy you might take is to refer Mom or Dad to the Virginia “Granddriver” program. At a minimum, encourage them to take the Granddriver assessment to get a more objective view of the driving ability (instead of the opinion of their smarty pants grown children!) Take the Granddriver test here
Convinced that Mom or Dad shouldn’t be driving? There is one avenue open to all of us who care about an elder person’s safety and well being – not to mention the safety and well being of everyone else in the Commonwealth! You can – anonymously even – advise the DMV that you believe a driver is a danger to themselves or others on the road. The DMV will then contact the driver and require them to set an appointment with their doctor for a medical assessment of their ability to safely operate a motor vehicle. If they don’t comply, they lose their license. If they are not fit to drive, same. I think that the most useful part of this process is that while the doctor probably knows the person pretty well, they are able to be far more objective about their actual ability than we, family members and caregivers, are able to be. To report a driver you believe to be unsafe, download or fill out online the DMV Medical Review Request Form (PDF link) and send it in.
There’s a couple of important points to consider before going to this extreme.
First, occationally, the inability to drive is a temporary condition. For example, I know someone who was having trouble regulating their blood sugar and would have serious swings upward and downward. There was the possibility he might black out behind the wheel and we made a decision – together – that he would just not drive just for the time being. That is to say, until he got his blood sugar under control again. This compromise served two purposes:
a) it kept him (and everyone else on the road!) safe
b) incentivized him to take the steps needed to make changes and do something very important for his health – start testing and get his blood sugar stabilized.
Secondly, it is possible to negotiate limitations that keep driving a safe option and lengthen the time that an elder is able to remain independent. Good for them, good for their family and caregivers. My own mother (now 83 and recently widowed) has always been an excellent driver. But she has some limitations now – her eyesight is not what it was and neither is her reaction time. Sometimes she gets confused or is easily distracted; fatigue is often an issue. To keep her both safe and independent, we agreed that she would limit her driving to familiar places – to and from grocery store, bible study, bank, post office, nearby friends. All these are short trips with routes she knows very well. Allowing her this freedom (as if I had a choice?) keeps her able to do the things she needs to do to stay at home as well as remaining socially active instead of isolated at home She also agreed not to drive at night or long distances. The other plus for us is that she drives a big, heavy, Mercedes station wagon. God help the person she hits because nothing is happening to her in that tank!
Like so many issues that arise when dealing with aging parents, its important to remember that they there are all kinds of choices. It is also important to remember that unlike us – forever mewling teenagers to our parents – our parents are NOT children. They are entitled to their independence, respect and to make the choices – however ill-advised or foolish – how and when they wish.
